My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
