It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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