im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
