I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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