just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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