a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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