I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
