I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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