He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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