walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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