I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
