I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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