When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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