i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
