I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
