I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
