Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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