if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
