But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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