I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
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I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
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Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize