do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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