yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
