I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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