WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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