She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
