She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
