I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
high people should be assigned attendants
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
