Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
