I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
