Just mADE A PArabola og urine
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
A bitchslap is in order.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
