just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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