Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
