I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
