Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
