The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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