the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
