Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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