I need to stop coming to work sober
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
