cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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