My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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