just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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