Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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