I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
