Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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