I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
