when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
