I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
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