you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Randomize
