i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
