Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.