Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I want to make a zoo with you.
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.