i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.