woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
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she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
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You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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