listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?