I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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