I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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