So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
