the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
