Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
