I feel great
I just peed on a car
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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