i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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