Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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