Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
