Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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